Yesterday I watched underscore's new music video, "music". God she is stunning. She is just fully living the girl life and it made me sickly envious. I was fighting back tears and had to take a breath of outside air.
Just watched it again. No sadness or envy, only inspiration. It's so worth it to keep on going.

I also read something that reminded me of the whole "self hatred is also narcissism". It was kind of insightful though in the wording, something along the lines of "despising oneself still involves admiration toward oneself as the despiser".
I think I've always been narcissistically self-lusting(?) by nature, and I try to be selfless, but it still feels like it comes from a place of wanting to be more virtuous, rather than for others' happiness' sake.
Which feels like an insurmountable obstacle between me and pure, genuine seeming kindness.

Homosexual relationships just feel inherently more pure and divine, despite religion claiming the contrary.

weird bit of a dream
while half awake
i was submerged in the sand of a beach
and slowly wading through it as if it were water
the flow of the sand around my moving arms was very vivid looking
also the cracking of it once i got closer to the water, and the sand was wet
i was swimming in the sand, towards the water
kind of ironic
the lighting was dusky and cloudy, with colorful reflections of lights from behind me reflecting off the water
bizarro earth
you swim in sand and walk on water